I returned to work today following my six-week leave of absence, and while it was nice to say hello to friends, colleagues and patients once again, the reality is that I also have to begin saying goodbye as soon as I say hello. With my exit (stage left) planned for January 18th, time is of the essence to begin the disengagement process. It's an interesting exercise, and long-disused emotional muscles are being flexed as we speak. And when new muscles are flexed, we all know there's some growing pains.
It's easier than I thought to get started. I have to try to say goodbye to more than 80 patients, many of whom I have worked with for seven years, sharing numerous ups and downs and the challenges of poverty and chronic illness. Having begun, saying goodbye is not as difficult as I imagined. Then again, I have yet to speak with the patients with whom I have shared the most closeness and emotional intimacy. That is where the emotional rubber meets the road.
I was on the phone with one particular patient today. I told her I would be leaving the practice on January 18th. She seemed to take it in stride, said she loved me and would miss me, and agreed to get together next week for what would probably be our final visit. Another patient simply said, "Why are you leaving? Is it for more money?". Well, not exactly. Just more time at home.
One of my favorite patients, a vulnerable twenty-three year old young woman---a year younger than my son---was the most wrenching goodbye to date. When I broke the news to her over the phone today, I felt myself wince, and I could hear the strain in her voice. We agreed to meet at her home on Wednesday to check in. That therapeutic relationship will be one of the most difficult to terminate. That is the first small pain of this process.
So, five weeks of goodbyes, explanations, the transfer of crucial information, and the formulation of a new work life. An interesting way to end a year-----and to start anew.