Codependency Is Us

In the course of my work, there are always relationships which feel more personal than others, in which a more intimate connection is created over years of interaction. There are those which feel parental (either on my part or the patient's), those which feel dysfunctional, those which are a nice mix of personal and professional, and some which are "strictly business" ( I have very few of these, I confess). There are patients who say "I love you" whenever I see them, and I still experience moments of quiet discomfort as to how to correctly respond to such protestations. Then there are patients who are my chronological peers with whom I have a generational bond, not to forget those who are my juniors or my seniors. Transference, counter-transference and projection all play a part on this stage, and I am constantly vigilant for signs of codependency on my part.

There's a patient that I've written about in the past who is on my mind. Being white and about my age, he shares with me certain cultural common denominators, despite his coming from a very different socioeconomic background---working class, alcoholic abusive father, no high school diploma, stints of homelessness, alcoholism, and life-threatening chronic illness. Taking those similarities and differences into account, it's no wonder that we get along on some levels, but are universes apart on others. And it is here that the codependency begins.

My patient, having given up the drink and hopped on the wagon, no longer has the alcohol-soaked social connections which previously filled his life. While he is proud of his sobriety of almost two years, he also feels lonely in that sobriety, failing to find a social milieu in which he can make new friends and acquaintances. Underlying mental illness does indeed make his social life more challenging, and a curmudgeonly demeanor only adds to the boundaries which keep people at bay or on their guard when around him. Although he constantly complains that people look at him like he's crazy, his predilection for talking aloud and laughing to himself certainly keeps strangers at arm's length and precludes normal casual social interaction. Like I've told him before, if you act like the crazy guy on the bus, that's how you'll be perceived and treated. One reaps what one sows, even inadvertently so.

Since he has lost his social circle, this gentleman looks to me, one of our counselors, and the administrative staff of our office as part and parcel of his social life. He sometimes exclaims that we are his "only friends", and he periodically cycles through undisguised crushes on various members of the front office administrative staff, at times bringing gifts (other than small offerings of candy or snacks) which cannot be accepted. He even went so far as to give our counselor (for whom he proclaimed undying love) a $200 portable DVD player which was refused on the spot. He was crushed for days.

Several times, I have taken this patient out to lunch, as I will occasionally do with my more isolated clients. As he complains of his loneliness and isolation, I sometimes feel pangs of guilt over my privileged life, comfy home, circles of friends, supportive wife, loving family, and ability to vacation and recreate (in moderation, of course) as desired. When he tells me that he has no one to go to a football game or movie with, my heart sinks. When I hear of his many solo trips around our region to various events, I cringe. Knowing what town I live in, he drops hints that he had looked for me downtown on a recent Saturday at the Farmer's Market but didn't see me. He comes to my town to see local college football and basketball games, sometimes sleeping on a couch in the Student Union if he misses the last bus back to his house (forty-five minutes away).

Many a time my mind has wandered to a scenario in which this gentleman---or another patient---visits my home. How would it appear to him? What would it tell him about me that he does not already surmise? What further levels of envy or jealousy would it engender? Would I end up in a situation similar to that of Richard Dreyfuss' character in What About Bob? He's even made comments that he may simply find my house one day and surprise me. Oh dear. What would Richard Dreyfuss do?

How many patients have I honestly considered taking home and caring for? Far too many. How many have I actually gone so far for? None, and never will I do so. How many former patients have I promised to maintain contact with after leaving a job for another? One, and that contact remains active. How many patients' children have I given Christmas presents to? Quite a few. Will I do it again? Seguro que si!

So, when is it codependency and when is it simply being human? When is it OK and when is it going too far? How guilty does one allow oneself to feel vis-a-vis the lacks in others' lives when compared to one's own? These and other questions loom large in such work, and no matter how firm one's boundaries, they will always rear their heads again.

Codependency, anyone?