What is it that I'm experiencing these recent days? Am I burning out? Am I going through what some people refer to as "compassion fatigue"? Whatever it is, the physical feeling is one of heaviness, of the effects of gravity pulling my body and mind in a downward direction. The cold weather, hunched shoulders, and eyes squinting in the blowing wind and snow do little to ameliorate the uncomfortable sensations. A feeling of burdensomeness washes through most of my activities. There is little internal lightness for me right now, rather a feeling of dense corporeality that feels cumbersome and awkward.
A psychic who Mary and I both see on a semi-regular basis (email me if you want her contact information--she does amazing telephone and face-to-face readings) told me that one of the "stories" of my life is the sense of "burdensome dutifulness". How does one cleanse oneself of such a ball and chain? I think it's time for a visit to this gifted healer for a wintry shot in the arm. While I don't think my "compassion meter" is on empty, I do feel that my personal fuel gauge is at an ebb and needs a boost before I'm running completely on fumes, as it were.
Tomorrow night, even though we can't afford it, we're going to see Over The Rhine (www.overtherhine.com) play at The Iron Horse Music Hall in Northampton, Mass. They'll provide me with the experience of a moving and beautiful performance---as they always do---which I'm sure will lift my spirits and send me sweetly to sleep at the end of a difficult week.
Tonight, I remind myself to give thanks for my blessings, as much as I was loathe to do that today as I slogged through a workday that was akin to chewing on aluminum foil. As Brad Roberts of the Crash Test Dummies once sang, "It's not as bad as eating your own liver; but still I'd like to think that there are better methods".